new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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