My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry