Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think a kid would responsible me up
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
