theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
