I faked an abortion last night.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
