um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
