I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
