On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
