The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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