Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
