We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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