I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
