I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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