a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
