let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
