and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i think i just lost a toe
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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