Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
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I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
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Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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