Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
