Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Found your dick twin last night
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
