Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My vagina just recognized that song.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
