I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
