I should be sponsored by Trojan
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
