I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
