Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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