a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
