I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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