Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
