you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
