please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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