Sry I called you an 8
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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