Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
