Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
