It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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