marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
