either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you