..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra