I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
