we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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