I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
