I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
