he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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