the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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