He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
