I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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