I wannas sexs uuuuu
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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