I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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