OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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