i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
