Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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