Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
And then my night got REAL pukey
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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