Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
