I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED