I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
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I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
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Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now