I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
